Fear of Flying (It's okay to lose control)
by MagicGirlinAMuggleWorld
Summary: Fem!Jily one-shot with a tiny bit of pining and friends to lovers (just a bit, it's only a one-shot!). Snippet: "You don't have to give me anything, Evans." Jameela's tone was sincere, almost fervent. "But why were you trying to make me a cake?" "It's your birthday," Lily said stubbornly. "You should have a cake." "But you don't bake." "Why does everyone keep saying that?"


Fact One: In any given situation, Lily Evans preferred to be the one in control of things.

Fact Two: Lily Evans had a group of wonderful, supportive friends, whom she could count on to assist her in almost any endeavor.

Generally, these two facts caused Lily no conflict.

Today, however, her supportive friends were interfering with her ability to maintain control of the situation at hand (and that's saying nothing of the loose grip she had on her emotions at the moment). And she didn't like it.

The first sign of the conflict arrived during morning free period, when Mary decided to keep Lily company and entertain her with gossip and encouraging comments through Lily's first (failed) attempt at making a lemon sponge cake. Lily had not expected her efforts to fail, but then, she hadn't counted on Mary being so distracting, either. She'd start fresh after lunch.

Dorcas (who her friends sometimes called Mini-McGonagall for her strict attention to detail) had joined Lily for her second attempt, and she'd measured ingredients and called out directions from Lily's cookbook in a way that was meant to be helpful, Lily knew. But two control-freaks in one space is one too many, and Dorcas left before dinner, wishing Lily all the luck in the world but recognizing her presence was more of a hindrance than a help.

And now dinner was over, and Peter Pettigrew, baker extraordinaire, and Remus Lupin, lover of all things sweet, had followed Lily back to the kitchens, offering their assistance and taste-testing services, respectively. At this point, she really wanted to complete this project on her own, but she appreciated their offer.

She had such supportive friends.

She had to remind herself of this multiple times, because, despite their supportive natures, none of her friends was doing a great job at hiding their doubts about her baking skills.

Lily scowled and held her breath as she placed her most recent creation in front of Remus and Peter. She wanted to close her eyes, but her friends open faces in this moment would provide crucial information. She had to watch them.

Remus cut a slice, and he and Peter each took a tentative forkful of the yellow cake. Except for a slight crease between his eyebrows, Remus held his expression carefully neutral. Peter, however, could not hide his grimace. Lily released her breath with a sigh.

"It's not _terrible_," Remus said quickly, around a mouthful of cake. "Just a bit…chewy?"

On the first attempt, Lily must have miscalculated some ingredients or not mixed her batter properly, because the cake had crumbled to pieces as soon as she removed it from the pan. (She blamed Mary for breaking her concentration). The second had held together and even tasted fine, but the middle had sunken in completely from Lily incessantly opening the oven door to check its progress. (Dorcas had warned her not to, but she'd been too anxious to listen).

And now there was this third one, with its texture like glue. She seemed to be getting worse with each effort.

"You probably over-whipped the eggs," Peter piped in. "I could help, I love baking. I find it quite relaxing, actually. If you want, I'll—"

He cut off abruptly at a glare from Lily. "I know, I know, this is your project!" he squeaked, holding up his hands apologetically. "I was just offering. I should probably just go, right? I ought to be revising Potions, anyway." He gave Lily a tentative wave good-bye, calling over his shoulder as he darted away, "I'm sure you'll figure it out!"

Lily held her glare until the kitchen doors swung shut behind him. Then her face crumpled, and she flopped against the kitchen counter and put her head on her folded arms. "Argh! I just want everything to be perfect!" she moaned.

Remus, unsurprised to find himself the last man standing, patted her back awkwardly. "Aw, Lil. So what you're not a baker? You can't be good at everything, you know. And it doesn't have to be perfect. Jameela will love whatever you give her, because it's from you."

"I'm know I'm not good at everything, Remus. For instance, I'm a terrible singer. But this I can do, dammit." Lily lifted her face from her arms and added, "And Jameela doesn't like me like _that_ anymore, we're friends now." She felt her cheeks flush, and she quickly lowered her face again.

Remus' laugh came out as a snort. "Don't be ridiculous," he said. "She's never stopped fancying you, she's just stopped pursuing you because she could tell it made you uncomfortable. I'm proud of her, honestly." He shook his head with a fond smile, presumably remembering some of Jameela's earlier outlandish efforts to get Lily's attention. "And it's worked, hasn't it? Now you're the one in pursuit!"

"I'm not in pursuit! She's just one of my best friends," Lily said quickly, standing up straight and stepping out from under Remus' comforting hand. "I mean, she does look incredibly fit lately – that haircut is perfect on her – plus she gave me that lovely necklace for _my_ birthday, so I just want to do something nice…" She trailed off. Remus was watching her with one eyebrow raised.

"What?" Lily demanded. "It's her seventeenth birthday! This is a big deal. And she shouldn't have to suffer rubbery cake just because I'm a disaster in the kitchen." She blew her fringe out of her face and pointed a threatening finger at Remus. "Do _not_ tell her I said that."

Despite that they were friends now, good friends, Lily and Jameela had never quite given up the spirit of healthy competition that had dominated so much of their relationship. And Meela had been known to make an _excellent_ fish curry, and she and Sirius had once hosted a full afternoon tea party in the Gryffindor Common Room. In the face of all that, Lily would never concede that she couldn't make one measly sponge cake.

Remus quirked a grin. "I wouldn't dare. Look, are you sure you don't want me to send Peter back in? Or you could let the house elves help?"

Lily glanced at the house elves of Hogwarts, several of whom had been watching her from a safe distance with typically wide eyes and less-typical anxious expressions.

"No! They'll just do the whole thing for me, and that isn't the point! The point is for me to make something brilliant so Meela sees that I'm a _fantastic _baker who gives _excellent_ birthday gifts, and then…just…she'll know how important she is to me," Lily finished. She jabbed her finger at Remus again and added, "As a friend."

Remus turned to the house elves with shrug. "I tried."

Lily scowled at him, but Remus just raised that same knowing eyebrow. "You know you should just talk to her, right?"

"What do you mean?" Lily demanded, hands on her hips. (She knew exactly what he meant).

"You're going to make me spell it out for you?" Remus asked. (She absolutely was). "You wouldn't be going to all this trouble if you didn't fancy her, too."

Lily refused to concede. "I've told you, we're friends."

"Like you and I?"

"Exactly."

Remus smirked. "What'd you make for my birthday, then?"

"Wh-what?" Lily stammered. (She'd heard him just fine). "Sirius threw you a party!"

"That's not what I asked," Remus said in a sing-song voice.

Lily scowled. "You should go, too, you're ruining my concentration." She placed a floury hand on Remus' back and steered him towards the kitchen door.

"Aw, Lil, c'mon, I'm just trying to help."

"It's fine, Remus! I just need to focus." She forced a smile as she pushed the door shut behind him.

But three hours and two more attempts later, Lily wasn't smiling one bit, forced or otherwise. Her fourth cake hadn't risen at all. Then she'd had the brilliant idea to try cupcakes instead, but she'd left them in the oven too long and burnt the bottoms. She thought about cutting off the bottoms and just serving the tops, which were golden and seemed decent in texture. With a sweet lemon icing and some sanding sugar for decoration, her friends (_Friends, or Jameela?_ Remus' voice taunted, in her mind) might not even notice the mistake.

Still, it felt like a failure.

Lily sat down on a stool and put her head back down on her arms. _Just one more try before I call it quits and just give her some damned Every Flavor Beans instead._

That was the last thought Lily remembered before she woke up to a soothing hand patting her shoulder.

Slowly, she turned her face towards the touch and found that the hand belonged to Jameela. She was watching Lily with a hint of a smile on her lips, her black hair disheveled despite the fresh pixie cut Lily so admired.

"All right, Evans?"

"Wha—what happened?" Lily blinked and looked around. She took in Jameela's Holyhead Harpies t-shirt, her long, tan legs on display in her tiny sleep shorts, then covered her face with both hands. "Shite. You're not supposed to see this, it was going to be a surprise! What time is it?"

"It's one in the morning," Jameela said. "I was worried when you never came back to the dormitory, you know."

"It's one o'clock?" Lily bolted to her feet. "But—that means it's your—I'm not ready yet! I'm still working on your gift!"

"My gift?" Jameela cocked her head to the side, her thick eyebrows knit together. "You made these for me?"

Frustration edged Lily's voice. "I hardly made anything, did I? Not one of these cakes is fit to eat."

"Ah, I doubt that's true," Jameela said consolingly. "But that isn't the point."

"Of course it is! I wanted to make you a birthday cake, and now I've bollocksed it all up, and I've got nothing to give you, and—"

"You don't have to give me anything, Evans." Jameela's tone was sincere, almost fervent. "But why were you trying to make me a cake?"

"It's your birthday," Lily said stubbornly. "You should have a cake."

"But you don't bake."

"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Lily huffed. "I don't see how it's any different than potions, and I'm brilliant at potions, you know! I don't think any of this—" she gestured around at various misshapen pastries and spilt ingredients "—is my fault. Maybe my Muggle recipes need to be adjusted for a magical kitchen, did you ever consider that?"

Jameela's mouth twitched. "I didn't, sorry. Let's assume you're an excellent baker."

Lily folded her arms over her chest and snorted. "Thank you."

"But that still doesn't explain why you're baking for _me_."

"I've told you, it's your birthday." Lily glanced at the floor for a second before raising her chin defiantly. "And we're friends, aren't we?"

A flicker of disappointment showed in Jameela eyes. She dragged a hand through her hair and seemed surprised to find it so short, confusion furrowing her brow for a second before she shook her head and gave Lily a crooked smile. "Of course we are, Evans. But friends needn't stay up all night baking for each other. You should get some sleep, so you can properly celebrate me when it's light out, yeah? Sirius is planning quite the shindig. Come on."

She reached out and grabbed Lily's hand, and Lily's heart turned a cartwheel.

_Dammit. Remus will be so smug._

She took a deep breath.

"Meela," she said softly. "Why do you still call me Evans?"

Jameela paused. "Hmm?"

"You call all your mates by their first names, except on the Quidditch pitch. Even Eddie and Judy, and they're not even Gryffindors. But you never call me Lily."

Jameela studied her for a second. They were still holding hands. "You're different, I guess."

"How's that?"

"I don't know." Jameela sighed. She dropped Lily's hand to reach for her glasses, which she began to polish on the edge of her t-shirt while she thought. It was a habit Lily had noticed before. Finally Jameela said, "When I first met you, I didn't know what to make of you, you know? This clever, funny, muggle-born girl who doesn't take any shit from anyone."

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Didn't stop you from trying to give it."

"That's true," Jameela shrugged, her lips tilting in a smirk. "But that's how I learned. And then it became sort of a mission, you know? Trying to get under your skin. But it never worked, unless I acted a complete arse. Otherwise, you're totally unflappable."

"Me, unflappable?" Lily laughed. "I was terrified of you at first! You were the most popular girl in our year from the minute we got here, and I thought you hated me! And then you're best friends with Sirius, and you _know_ he's intimidating if you don't know him. So then there's _two_ of you, brilliant and tall and beautiful and athletic, and the rest of us are just—"

"You think I'm beautiful?"

Lily snorted and rolled her eyes. "Well, of course, Meela, you know that."

"No, I didn't."

"How could you not? It's an objective fact."

"I mean, sure, _I've_ always thought so." Jameela flashed Lily a crooked grin. "But I didn't think _you'd _noticed." The grin faded and she looked surprisingly shy. "I guess I never thought I was your type."

"Oh. You mean—well—oh!" Lily said, as a thought occurred to her. She cleared her throat. "You mean because of the way we bicker, or because…I went out with Benjy last year?"

Jameela shrugged and mussed her hair again. "Both. Either."

"Oh!" Lily said again. She blushed, but she held Jameela eyes with hers as she said, "Well, I'm attracted to boys _and_ girls. So…yeah. I find you attractive." She managed a smile and added, "When you're not being a monster."

"I told you, it seemed like the only way to get your attention!" Jameela said, laughing. "I'd have rather been your friend from the beginning."

"Well, it never seemed like that at all! You and Sirius were always taking the piss, and you always called me a swot in Potions…I couldn't tell if you were one of those witches who couldn't stand being shown up by a muggleborn."

Jameela chuckled again. "Shown up, eh? Dearest Evans, you of all people know I've always loved a challenge. And our competition was never about your blood status, I hope you know me well enough to know that."

Lily smiled up at the taller girl. "I do now."

"Good. And you _were _a swot."

Lily pulled a face and made to turn away, but Jameela grabbed her hand again.

Lily's eyebrows flew up—though, more in jest than in anger. Still, Jameela must have been concerned, because she started speaking quickly. "I only mean, you've always been so focused on your school work. I didn't know what a girl like you did for fun. But I was chuffed when we started becoming mates this year. Really."

"Me, too," Lily said quietly.

"Good." Jameela said, her eyes bright behind her glasses. She tugged Lily's hand, and Lily took a step closer to her. "But, if I'm being honest?" Jameela continued, her voice low, "I can't pretend I don't still feel like I'm barely in control of myself every time I see you. Like, that drop in your stomach, when your broom takes a nosedive, and you only just pull up in time to avoid a collision? And it's exhilarating and dangerous and brilliant all at the same time?"

"I…I haven't flown since first year," Lily said, stupidly, knowing that she was taking Jameela's comments too literally. But it was hard to think straight, standing so close to her. "But yeah, it was scary."

"Ah, you should try it again. I'll teach you, if you want," Jameela said earnestly. "It's not scary so much as…thrilling. And that's what I mean—that thrill, that _heart-stopping_ thrill? That's how I feel, every time I get you to laugh, or when we're playing Snap in the Common Room, or even just revising together. And it's nearly as good as Quidditch, maybe better, except—out there I always know exactly what I'm doing. With you…I've no clue."

"What?" Lily asked, startled briefly from her Jameela-induced stupor by this revelation. "I make you nervous? But you're always so sure of yourself!"

"Not around you, I'm not! So, to answer your original question—if I were to start calling you…Lily?" Jameela took another deep breath and exhaled slowly. "It feels like I'd be taking that nosedive on my broom without being sure I could pull up before I hit the ground. Like testing a Levitation charm for the first time by jumping off the Astronomy Tower, you know?"

Despite the seriousness of the moment, Lily couldn't stop a giggle. "Didn't you actually _do_ that?"

Jameela had the nerve to look indignant. "Sirius and I threw _pumpkins _from the astronomy tower, not ourselves! And, anyway, it wasn't our first time testing Levitation, we'd mastered the charm by then. We only said it was the first to make it more impressive."

Lily shook her head. "You two are horrible, you know."

"I know. But mostly harmless, yeah?" Her cocky smile was back, but with an anxious edge Lily wasn't used to seeing on her. Lily found it quite endearing.

"Mostly, I suppose." she agreed, smiling back. She inhaled slowly and squeezed Jameela's hand. Jameela was being so honest. Lily could do the same.

"You asked why I'm making you a cake."

"I did," Jameela said quietly. She used their clasped hands to pull Lily closer still. Lily's eyes were level with her long, elegant throat now. Lily swallowed hard.

"Well, when I'm with you," she said carefully, "I feel sort of out of control, too."

"Yeah?" Jameela asked. Lily thought she sounded hopeful.

"Yeah," Lily agreed, her smile widening. "Maybe it is like flying, I don't know. But consider this—if flying is scary even for you, imagine how it must feel for someone like me. I prefer to keep my feet on the ground, you know."

Jameela laughed. "I'll change that yet."

Lily shook her head and laughed, too. "So, that's why I'm baking. Baking seemed…grounded. Like something I could control. So that was my plan to...express my feelings, I suppose, in a controlled way." She laughed again. "I guess I should've known, where you're concerned, control just isn't in the cards for me."

"Yeah?" Jameela said again, the hopeful note more obvious this time.

And although Lily was the one covered in cake batter, she couldn't help thinking Jameela smelled sweeter, like fresh cut grass and summer rain. She looked down at Jameela's brown hand clasped in her pale one, then slowly, so slowly, brought both hands up to her face. She brushed her lips across the back of Jameela's hand in a tentative kiss.

"Yeah," Lily echoed, quietly. "So maybe I just shouldn't try to control it anymore."

"Evans," Jameela said, her voice hoarse. She was staring at Lily's mouth now. "Lily. What are you saying?"

"I'm saying I wanted to do something special for you because you make me feel like no one's ever made me feel, and I didn't know how to tell you that. I wanted to show you. I still want to show you."

Jameela looked awed. "Well, if you wanted to do something special for me, you've done it...Lily."

Lily licked her lips. "I like when you say my name." She could hear her heart thundering in her ears and wondered if Jameela could hear it, too. She leaned forward, tilting her face up, and Jameela's eyes went wide.

"Lily?" she whispered.

"Yeah," Lily said, and she smiled as their lips met.

Jameela smiled too, and their teeth knocked together. They giggled, and then Jameela's body molded itself to Lily's in one smooth motion, one hand still gripping Lily's tightly, the other circling Lily's waist. Lily closed her eyes, enveloped in warmth, surrounded by Jameela's long, lean form, and her free hand found her way into the wild black hair she loved so much. It was perfect. She wished she could play with it forever.

But they broke apart eventually, and Jameela brought Lily's hand to her lips and kissed it gently, like Lily had done to hers moments ago. They finally released each other, and Lily sighed and leaned into Jameela's chest, wrapping her arms around Jameela's waist.

"Happy birthday," Lily said softly, smiling into Jameela's chest. She tilted her face up to meet Jameela's eyes and added, "Though, I still wish your cake had worked out."

A surprised chuckle escaped Jameela's lips. She kissed Lily's forehead. "Please don't take offense, but I expect this surprise is better than any cake you could've given me."

Lily stepped out of Jameela's arms and swatted her shoulder, laughing.

Jameela captured Lily's hand against her chest and grinned. "I just mean, this is perfect. Feels like flying."

xoxoxoxo

AN: A post for James' birthday! So...I did a little fem!Jily upon request, hope you like it. Different for me, for sure, but I'm actually really happy with the way I've captured them here. Also, some of what's in here is based on headcanons I have that you can find on my tumblr: post/183544044935/some-lily-and-marauders-headcannons if you enjoy this, leave me a note! Reviews make my day :-)


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